“Yesterday the beauty of early dawn
came over me, and I wondered who
my heart would reach toward. Then
this morning again and you.”
- Rumi
What if every day your heart reached toward the same person, knowing your two souls were inter-connected, your spirits spoke the same language, and together your lives created beauty… what if every morning your heart reached toward the same person and begged you to please please just let it love.
Would you say no?
Some would ask that you do.
Some would ask that you deny the authenticity of your heart, soul and spirit for the sake of … of what, exactly? Fear? Tradition? Maybe just blinding confusion? I’m not sure. And I’m not sure that the “what” or the “why” even matters.
But I am sure that when Love calls, I’m going to answer.
When Love presents itself to me, I’m going to embrace it.
When my heart begs for fulfillment and the permission to Love completely and honestly, I’m going to grant that request.
In fact, I already did.
But not all will celebrate with me and not all will support my version of Love.
Because, like me, my Love is a woman.
Those last three words change everything. Those three words have the power to negate everything else I’ve said, everything else I’ve done. Everything else I am.
So then, what if, for even one day, those three words just didn’t matter? What if instead the only words that mattered were all the others… like “Love” and “authenticity” and “honesty” and “ beauty”????
What if … ???
****************************
text and photos by Starla J. King
(Note: this entry is the first in the new “Anatomy of Love” blog series – a personal look at the experience of a Lesbian Mennonite navigating the unpredictable waters of non-traditional faith and love)
Andrea Russo said,
October 27, 2009 at 7:18 pm
absolutely beautiful Starla…. this is my favorite piece to date…. what a gift you have to share
Starla J. King said,
October 27, 2009 at 7:40 pm
ah, Andrea… *thank you*! And what a gift you give in return, reading and responding.
Cheryl said,
October 27, 2009 at 8:20 pm
So Starla, just the other day, a Facebook friend was arguing about gay relationships, saying that sexual orientation is a choice, and therefore isn’t the same as other differences between people such as gender or race. I felt the need to speak up but didn’t know how–What would you say to her?
I LOVE the “what if” paragraph above, BTW.
Starla J. King said,
October 28, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Cheryl, thank you so much for having the courage to post that question here… one of the reasons I wrote this blog post is to provide a safe place for questioning, discovery, learning.
If encourage you to share the link to this post/comments with your FF (facebook friend). The more we can all be together in a shared space, the better!
As I mentioned in response to Kat’s comment, I agree with everything she said, and I think it pretty well sums up my own experience as a lesbian. Especially the part about my sexual orientation NOT being a choice.
I did have a choice, but it wasn’t a choice whether to be straight or gay.
Instead my choice was this: Option A: to deny my authentic self and suffer through the dark murky existence of depression (clinically diagnosed)… or Option B: Accept what my every cell was telling me, stop the internal conflict, and embrace my authentic self.
I finally chose Option B because, as Kat so beautifully put it, “the pain of lying to [myself was] crushing.”
I recommend asking your FF to genuinely try to consider Kat’s point of what it would mean to straight people if sexual orientation were truly a choice. I suspect your FF would be so very uncomfortable with the idea of having a desire for same-sex relationships that s/he may not be able to even entertain that notion.
Well, that’s how it was/is for me (and many other gays/lesbians) as I have in the past tried desperately to imagine any sort of happiness in an opposite-sex relationship. It’s just so NOT ME that I honestly can’t actually understand the need of heterosexual people to have opposite-sex relationships.
But that doesn’t mean their need isn’t valid. It doesn’t mean opposite-sex relationships shouldn’t be celebrated and affirmed. It doesn’t mean that I have to try to change their attractions and needs toward same-sex relationships.
Perhaps the most compelling affirmation I’ve had about my sexual orientation being my natural God-given “state” is this: after I finally stopped denying the truth of my sexual orientation, I stopped being afraid of God and afraid of spirituality.
Since “coming out” I have experienced an infinitely more spiritual life — one that allows me to love and interact with everyone with less judgment, to commune with what many would call God, to live in a way that’s not knotted up in my own garbage.
As you well know, this is a huge topic with a lot of passion on either side of the issue. It’s confusing, this whole sexuality thing, and it’s understandable that folks with an opposite-sex orientation don’t understand the whole same-sex thing. All I ask is that we don’t stop trying to HEAR and ACCEPT each other… even if understanding may be too great a request.
So, Cheryl, does that help??
kat said,
October 27, 2009 at 10:13 pm
hi cheryl! i don’t know you but feel obliged to respond and say first of all that i’m sorry you were put into what sounds like an awkward position. seriously, how is one supposed to reply to a statement like that made by your FF (Facebook friend)? yikes. also i think you’re fabulous for asking starla, who i am certain will devise a much more articulate response than what follows…
ok, i think there are a lot of ways to answer this question. anecdotally, i’ve never met a gay man or lesbian who felt they had a choice to be straight. when they did “choose”, it lasted for temporary periods of time, and the pain of lying to themselves was crushing. there is overwhelming evidence that such “choices” are detrimental and lead to low self-esteem, etc. — see the american psychological association, who by the way are very clear on the issue: sexual orientation is, for the vast majority of people, not a choice.
also, if sexual orientation is a choice, then your FF is making a conscious choice to be heterosexual, just one more option on the menu of sexual orientation! and if this the case, then somewhere in your FF is a desire for same-sex relationships — just like, i’m sure your FF would argue, somewhere in gays and lesbians is a desire for opposite-sex relationships (“it’s just that they choose otherwise…”). i wonder if FF would concur.
but i think the BEST answer might be this: if sexual orientation is a choice, then you can bet your life that in this crazy world of ours, most gays and lesbians would choose to be straight. being straight is so much easier. why would gays and lesbians choose to suffer?
good luck. nice “meeting” you! xox kat
kat said,
October 27, 2009 at 10:14 pm
p.s. starla: i love this piece. it’s completely enigmatic.
Starla J. King said,
October 28, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Thank you Kat dear… “enigmatic” — love that! Thank you also for your response to Cheryl — I absolutely agree with everything you said, and it all really resonates with me.
I SO appreciate your willingness to jump in here.
Kris said,
October 28, 2009 at 7:57 am
So simply and beautifully put my dear….love it.
Starla J. King said,
October 28, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Thank you Kris! I’m particularly enamored with the “simply” part of your comment. In my experience, so often this whole issue gets tied in knots of debilitating complexity… and dissention loves complexity.
I have previously (in different venues, various topics) suggested that it ALL just comes down to Love and selecting our thoughts, behaviours and beliefs according to our best understanding of the ways of Love… and the response more than once has been “yes, but that seems too simple.”
My response? “Yes, perhaps it really is just that simple.”
growfortunes said,
October 29, 2009 at 11:29 am
Starla – This is beautiful, my friend. — Cheryl
Cheryl said,
October 30, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Hi Kat and Starla and anyone else reading
, Kat I’m glad to meet you too, and I must say I had the exact same thought that you did–how ironic it was that by saying that sexual orientation is a choice, she’s implying that her own sexual orientation was a choice, which made me wonder if it was a choice she was completely happy with! Her original post made me laugh, honestly, and I wondered how many of her readers had the same thought. 
I so wish I could just have her and you and Starla over for coffee. Sure she’d be freaked at first, but if we could get her to stay she’d laugh a lot at least, and maybe even plant some tiny seeds in her mind….
And Starla, I laughed at your comment saying you can’t understand the heterosexually-oriented’s need to be in a heterosexual relationship (gees, such long words!) I LOVE in that episode of Friends where Monica and Chandler have decided to move in together, and it HITS Monica and she starts to cry…”I have to live with a BOY!” LMAO I just can so relate…fortunately for Bob, I DO have a need for HIM. I figure he can’t help it he’s a boy.
kat said,
November 2, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Cheryl, thanks for the virtual coffee! Great discussion. Your man is a lucky one, and I’m sure he’s as fabulous as you are! xox
Starla J. King said,
November 2, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Kat, Cheryl’s man is indeed fabulous.
Starla J. King said,
November 2, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Cheryl P, the Friends episode is a HILARIOUSly fitting response here!!! Actually that whole response of yours is just priceless. And a great reminder that laughter has a place in this discussion too!
I’m still laughing about “I figure he can’t help it he’s a boy” — oh we need more Cheryls in this world!
Meeting for coffee — putting real people to the “homosexual” label…yes, please!
NJD said,
November 2, 2009 at 9:24 am
whew
tbc
Pamster said,
November 6, 2009 at 4:21 pm
All words, whether mentioned by themselves or with other words in a sentence, do have an impact on our lives. However, it’s what in our hearts that drives us each and every day. Who you love…how you love is a personal choice, a choice dictated by your heart. How can you change/control what your Heart yearns for and feels? The definition of L-O-V-E is “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person”. It doesn’t mention race or gender…it says a ‘person’. And what is a person? It’s “a human being, whether man, woman or child…a human being as distinguished from an animal or thing”.
Although words of others may influence how we feel and could affect the choices we make, it is ultimately your heart that makes the final decision. Who is to say your heart is right or wrong? Others can voice their opinions on our decisions and that is their God-given right I guess. But more importantly, we have to be true to our character. We face ourselves each day in the mirror; we are the ones living with our choices each day. If we don’t follow that moral fiber of our being, than whose lives are we living?
So… “not all will celebrate with you and not all will support your version of Love”. But Love is just a word. You can decide on its definition. Words can change everything or they can change nothing! You say that words have the power to negate what you feel and what you’ve said and what you’ve done. But your heart has the ability to take those words and give them your own definition. Only your heart’s deepest feelings have the true power to decide who you choose to love and how you live your life. It is obvious that you have found your soulmate. How blessed you are my friend!!