“A thousand half-loves
must be forsaken to take
one whole heart home.” – Rumi
Some would say that I have no right to “take one whole heart home.” That I deserve only an unfulfilled life of half-loves.
Just because I’m gay.
Me, and my "wife" Sandy (photo by Patti Burke)
Some would say that giving me the right to legally marry my same-sex partner of 13 years (yes, THIRTEEN) weakens the strength of not only their opposite-sex marriage but the entire institution of marriage. See this blog post from Stand for Marriage Maine re: the threat my relationship poses to traditional same-sex marriage.
Wow, now *that* is giving my minority group a lot of power! Rather ironic, isn’t it?
Yesterday Maine voters decided that they really weren’t ok with the law passed by the state Legislature earlier this year — to legally allow same-sex marriage and the rights/protections going along with that.
Some rejoiced. Others wept. (See this article for further description of the reactions).
You know, my wish to legally marry my same-sex life partner (yes, partner FOR LIFE… legally recognized or not) is not about taking anything away from any one else’s relationship. It’s not about trying to prove anything or trying to force my way of being on anyone else.
It’s about knowing that if my partner ever needs someone to make medical decisions for her, I won’t be denied the chance to be her voice.
It’s about knowing that if something happens to me, the resources I leave behind won’t be taken away from the one who has supported and loved me for years and years.
It’s about giving our relationship a chance to extend beyond the emotional and into the practical.
So all I ask today, no matter what viewpoint you hold, is that we keep talking about this. Not from a place of anger or judgment on either side but from a genuine desire to find those golden threads of understanding between all of us.
Because really, isn’t it still just about Love?
When we were young (painting by Jill R. Wiebe-King)
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text and photos by Starla J. King
(Note: this entry is the second in the new “Anatomy of Love” blog series – a personal look at the experience of a Lesbian Mennonite navigating the unpredictable waters of non-traditional faith and love. Click here for first post in the series.)
Mary said,
November 5, 2009 at 9:57 am
Beautiful website! Thanks for the opportunity to post. I’m nearly 70 and lived more than half my life in denial and self-loathing because I love women. Discovering that life with the one I love is not only possible but fulfilling beyond my wildest dreams has given life purpose, joy, wonder, self-respect and meaning. It IS as simple as “just being about love” and as complex as any other human rights issue. I’ve reached the point that I no longer believe that gay rights will be achieved by allowing others to see that we are like them. Educating people about our non-threatening lifestyle may open a few doors but in the long run, I have come to believe, our rights will be granted by enforcement of laws that are passed at the federal level….the Supreme Court….just as they were guaranteed in the ’60′s for African Americans. Do we have a Martin or Martha to lead a peaceful fight? Will we sacrifice as they did? Will we be able to look back in 40 years and marvel at the time when our freedoms were denied? We cannot rely on politicians to vote on our freedom, we cannot abide states granting and then taking away our freedom, we must claim it and demand it. It is not a gift to us from the majority, it is our right.
Starla J. King said,
November 5, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Mary, your post went right to my heart — thank you so much for responding and sharing your wonderful thoughts. So beautifully written too!!! I find myself saying the same as Patti did (see below) that I don’t know you, but I wish I did.
The parallels to 60′s African American civil rights issues/events that you point out are really powerful, and the questions you ask will continue to linger.
Thank you again, Mary.
Patti said,
November 5, 2009 at 10:28 am
First off…Mary….wow! YOU have single-handedly become my unknown HERO! I don’t know you..I wish I did…but your words are elloquent, true, and very much to the point. Thank you so much!
Second…and quite frankly, most importantly…this is a message to all those who read and enjoy this blog from Starla today and for the days/weeks to come. Starla has not been known to be a proclaimed activist…until TODAY! She has stepped out of her comfort zone and is taking a huge step toward making a difference in all of our lives! She writes in a way that even the most hateful of the haters can’t deny that what she writes about holds truths that even they should sit up and take notice!
Congratulations Starla…you bring a tear to my eye…and you know what that means! I am so proud of you! Now, watch me as I post this on every board, email, facebook page I can find!
Starla J. King said,
November 5, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Patti, you are an absolute gem — thank you for your fantastic support! And for “outing me” re: my activism and/or lack thereof.
I love it!
growfortunes said,
November 5, 2009 at 11:20 am
Starla, Another lovely blog post, and great photos. The costs of not being able to legally marry – what’s fair about that (I feel this way about ALL singles, by the way!)?
Best wishes always. And, truly enjoy and treasure your weekend.
CherylK
Starla J. King said,
November 5, 2009 at 9:20 pm
CherylK, so good to see you here… thank you for your beautiful support and words. And you bet I’ll have a treasured weekend. You too girl!!!
Jeff said,
November 5, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Beautiful!
Cheryl said,
November 5, 2009 at 9:14 pm
As Tisa Wenger put it on FB: “The vote in Maine to repeal same-sex marriage is a disappointment, but it is also a travesty of the function of the ballot box. I’m wondering when we, as a nation, will stop this deplorable practice of voting on people’s civil rights. The reason that the law needs to protect the civil rights of minorities is precisely because the majority are hostile to the minority in question!”
I find myself saying “Duh” more and more often these days…out loud to the radio, mostly, I (usually) manage to stilfle it face to face!
Starla J. King said,
November 5, 2009 at 9:22 pm
CherylP, there you go making me laugh out loud again. I immediately see your “Duh” expression… ha!!
Tisa Wenger’s words are fantastic… thankyou for sharing them here!
Mary said,
November 5, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Wow! I’m overwhelmed by the welcome my comments have received and wish I could know all of you, too. You are the real heros! You’re out working in the marketplace contending with dangers, such as hate and contempt, that are not always apparent. It’s hard to know who is trustworthy and has your best interests at heart. So I salute you and commend you. I’ll be sending my heartiest support your way while I, retired and in Florida, will continue to seize opportunities to speak for our rights. You go Girls!
Starla J. King said,
November 6, 2009 at 7:53 am
Mary, here’s to every one of us “out there”… and to those heterosexual folks who support us… and to those who don’t but may just one day get to know us and realize that we’re kinda cool people.
ah, enjoy Florida!!!!
Mary said,
November 6, 2009 at 11:35 am
Good Morning, Starla. I agree completely that there are many heterosexual folks who love, support and respect us and we love them right back. Do any of you have family that love you but believe you’re living in sin? Have you had that conversation with anyone? If so, I would be interested to know how it went if you are open to sharing. Are all of you out to your family?
Starla J. King said,
November 6, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Hi Mary! Yes, yes, yes, and yes…. I will respond more this weekend with details… looking forward to continuing this conversation.
Starla J. King said,
November 9, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Hi Mary — wanted you to know your comments continue to make an impact…see http://feministlookingglass.com/2009/11/09/because-really-isn%E2%80%99t-it-still-just-about-love/
Also, I haven’t forgotten about your recent question — I don’t want to just dash off a quick response, so will post more soon when I have more time.
Marilyn Wilt said,
November 6, 2009 at 10:49 am
Gooooooooo Starla. Keep up the good work and voice for a lot of people’ Love ya. Gram
Starla J. King said,
November 6, 2009 at 9:41 pm
GRAM!!!!!! you dear woman, thank you for being here… love you too!
Starla J. King said,
November 9, 2009 at 9:02 pm
GRAM!!!! Your presence here is so wonderful…wow… thanks for reading and affirming. Love you!
Marni said,
November 6, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Starla – and Mary, too – you made me cry!
Sending love to you and the ones you love,
Marni
Starla J. King said,
November 6, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Marns… um… oops… re: crying.
Thank you for having such a beautifully open heart. Love you.
Leanne said,
November 12, 2009 at 1:59 pm
What a beautifully written article! Thanks for the read.
Starla J. King said,
November 14, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Thank you, Leanne! And thank you for reading..!