They clipped my wings today
and asked me why I didn’t fly
I tried to explain to them
Part won’t work,
I need the Whole
and they told me
But you still have wings
why don’t you fly?
I don’t blame them, really, for clipping my wings by standing firm to their conviction that I am living against God’s will, that Heaven won’t welcome me. “Them” being those who open their arms to me – but only if I don’t do anything about being a Lesbian… like, well, being one.
They’re just living what they believe — how can I truly fault them for that?
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Or sometimes make me angry. And usually make me sad.
When I “came out” in my twenties , I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to be seen as a “sinner.” I grew up in a Mennonite household, went to a Mennonite high school and college, was regularly (and willingly!!) involved in Bible Study, Chapel participation/leadership, Devotional groups, church choir, etc. etc. I was known as a good Christian girl.
Until I came out.
Suddenly my lifelong relationship with God was questioned and my welcome in the Church was revoked. The organization that purports to be built upon the very essence of unconditional love suddenly stuck the word “IF” into their love.
Even though in accepting myself as a Lesbian I re-found deep Joy out of a deep depression… the kind of Joy that starts in the soul and radiates through everything.
Even though embracing the nature of my Love has opened me up to the most richly spiritual life I could ever imagine.
So how do we all wade through this together without having to change each others’ viewpoints? Maybe this is not the place for words, but instead the place beyond words.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn’t make any sense.”
- Rumi
Today, even if only for a few minutes, let’s meet in that field and just Be together. Beloved human being to beloved human being. Today let it be about that place beyond rightdoing and wrongdoing.
When you’re ready, I’ll meet you there.
*******************************************
text and photos by Starla J. King
(Note: this entry is the third in the “Anatomy of Love” blog series – a personal look at the experience of a Lesbian Mennonite navigating the unpredictable waters of non-traditional faith and love)
Angie said,
November 19, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Moving, Starla. . . I love, love this Rumi quote. . . and I find myself preferring that far field more and more. And just in case you don’t know, you’re a full member of my church and I am seriously considering promoting you to pastor.
Thanks for continuing to share your experience.
Starla J. King said,
November 20, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Ah, Angie, I am honored! If you are my congregation, then I might consider the pastorship.
.
I so hear you re: finding yourself preferring that far field more and more. I’ve spent so much of life trying to label *everything* either right or wrong, and I find life feels (ironically?) much more spiritual when I’m not so concerned about those labels.
I love having you along on this journey.
tooyoungtobewise said,
November 19, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Oh starla, this is beautiful, poetic, definitely one of the best you’ve ever written. I love it.
Food for your next writing preparation, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOhf3OvRXKg, that one started me into my latest blog entry. Your tips have been very helpful! I love you unconditionally, my wonderful, awe-inspiring, strong woman of an auntie.
Starla J. King said,
November 20, 2009 at 6:55 pm
My dear beloved nieceling, you melted my heart. I will check out the link and let you know what I think. I am so enjoying our writing connection and am so very grateful for your love and support.
Starla J. King said,
November 22, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Rachael, I watched that video — INCREDIBLE!!! thank you! for sharing that…
Matt Penning said,
November 19, 2009 at 11:44 pm
Moving words, well written from the heart. So very true. Sad, but true.
Starla J. King said,
November 20, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Amen, Matt. Amen.
Patti said,
November 22, 2009 at 9:15 am
fan-frickin-tastic….that’s all i’m sayin’…
Mary said,
November 25, 2009 at 8:32 pm
You’ve reach deep into my soul and found feeling-filled corners that were long ago sealed. I love this post and the words of Rumi and King, equally inspiring. As I sat in your vitual field and thought of my family’s reaction to my lesbianism, a sense of familiarity enveloped me It amazed me that in the quiet, overwhelming thoughts of my own shortcomings screamed at me. Have I not judged, felt superior and condemned others? Didn’t I do it in the name of God? Didn’t I feel entitled to pick verses of the scriptures that backed my viewpoint? Didn’t I feel self-righteous? I’m ashamed to say that yes I did. This was not the first time I’ve recognized my past actions but this time it was a more powerful jab. As a young church goer, even though I was aware of my true sexual orientation, I overtly jumped on the side of those who prayed for “their” salvation, whether they were gay, non-believers, or committed any of a long list of sins. I found comfort in that. It is absolutely true that:
“When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.”
Starla J. King said,
November 29, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Mary, again your response is so rich… *thank you* for sharing your thoughts and beautiful words!
You bring up such important questions. How do we step back from judgment and find that field where *neither* party is right or wrong?? How do we as GLBTQ people make our points without judging those very people we feel so judged by??
I too spent much of my life pointing my finger at others’ “wrong” actions — yes, also in the name of God. It was pretty easy to do that… until I personally felt what that judment was like. What a wake-up call that was!!
So what do we do with that?? First, find a way to forgive ourselves for whatever we’ve done in the past that may have pushed people away from Love… by being so quick to judge them and their behaviors.
Then maybe it’s about remembering how it feels to be judged. Re-learning the “walk a mile in their shoes” lessons..even though that’s not so easy to do when their shoes give you painful blisters. Or maybe it’s less about walking a mile in each others’ shoes, and instead both just agreeing to go barefoot together.