“I have to wonder what I did wrong… to make you this way…” Mom said when I came out to her 20-some years ago.
My response was instant: “Well, if it’s something you did, Mom…thank you… because I love being like this.”
You see, being gay isn’t a curse or a punishment. It’s not a dark cloud I carry around with me or an unsightly blemish I want to hide. It’s a gift. A Gift I firmly believe came directly from God’s hands, God’s heart.
Not because I’m more special than anyone else, or because gay is better than straight.
No… it’s a gift because being gay forced me to either live completely and authentically, or die.
There was no inbetween, there is no inbetween, and to me that is a gift beyond any other I can ever receive again. To be given the strength to live completely, authentically, OPENly — how can that NOT be a gift from God??
Yes, the process to this point hurt like hell (and at times still does), but even if it WERE a choice (which I assure you it is NOT), I’d choose this. I’d choose Life. Love. God (or whatever you choose to call her/him/it).
Consider this poem by Hafiz (from The Gift) – no matter who you are… gay, straight, or somewhere inbetween… no matter who you are, you were tagged to be exactly you.
YOU’RE IT
God
Disguised
As a myriad of things and
Playing a game
Of tagHas kissed you and said,
“You’re it –I mean, you’re Really IT!”
Now
It does not matter
What you believe or feelFor something wonderful,
Major-league Wonderful
Is someday going
ToHappen.
*******************************************
photos by Starla J. King and Jeffery Thomas
(Note: this entry is the seventh in the “Anatomy of Love” blog series – a personal look at the experience and views of a Lesbian Mennonite navigating the unpredictable waters of non-traditional faith and love)
Mary Green said,
February 4, 2010 at 12:29 pm
I’m just grinning from ear to ear! This one touches my happy spot.
Starla J. King said,
February 4, 2010 at 2:08 pm
I love hearing that, Mary!! That poem had a similar effect on me… and is what got me started thinking about how “this gay thing” isn’t ALL hardship and struggle. There’s a joy to it too…
Kristy said,
February 4, 2010 at 2:09 pm
You brought chills to me (I mean I literally have goosebumps on my arms). I wish more people could read your words and feel your words. It’s sad to me how slowly progress is made, how much you have to fight for your intrinsic rights, and how much you’ve had to go through just to be who you are. I think what you wrote here is beauty at its best.
Starla J. King said,
February 4, 2010 at 2:13 pm
Kristy, your words in turn brought *me* chills… literally. Interesting how that works, isn’t it?
Thank you for the incredible support you’ve been to me even when you were too young to understand and now as you’re helping change this world just by being open. I love you!
- Auntie S
Deb Brubaker said,
March 2, 2010 at 10:02 pm
Starla, shortly after coming out to my parents, I moved back to Albuquerque and began to live life as my freer lighter self. During that time i was playing a game with Hafiz “The Gift”- sitting in silence for a minute and then randomly opening the book to a page. the poem there was to be “the mediation” for my day. This poem surfaced several times a week, and I swear it wasn’t dog earred or otherwise weighted. I gratefully accepted it as confirmation that the universe (god) was in support of me- the mennonite me, the lesbian me, and the parts of me that I was (am) still getting to know. Thanks for the reminder of these great words, and thanks for sharing your own. I’m excited to read all the other posts in the series!
Starla J. King said,
March 3, 2010 at 7:55 am
Wow, Deb, what an incredible feeling that must have been … to keep being presented with “You’re It”! I fully believe those happenings are not random events. Particularly when they happen at a time when we are so in need of indicators that we have support, that we are ok, that we are BEYOND ok.
This reminds me of another few lines of a Hafiz poem that have been a salve to my heart and soul:
“”This place where you are right now
God circled on a map for you.
Wherever your eyes and arms and heart can move
Against the earth and sky
The Beloved has bowed there –
Our Beloved has bowed there knowing
You were coming.”
Here’s to being in the exact place we’re supposed to be.
Thanks for being out there, Deb… and for being Out, there.
Jonathan Hershberger said,
March 15, 2010 at 6:19 pm
We don’t know each other, but I found this blog through pinkmenno.
I want to thank you for the writings in your blog, and for this post in particular. It is extremely encouraging and uplifting. I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m gay for around 8 or 9 years, and have just recently started to be able to accept the gay me. I’m 20 now, and I’m starting the intimidating coming out process… which scares me to death. But at the same time I’m learning to find joy out of all this, and I’m learning to realize that God did create me this way and is pleased with who I am. Your post was a great reminder to me that I shouldn’t feel shame for my homosexuality… but I should feel joy because it is such a huge part of who I am. I can’t imagine who I’d be if it weren’t for the experiences I’ve had growing up gay, and I don’t think I want to.
So, thank you for your insights and for being an encouragement, and for reminding me that even though life will always have it’s struggles, living my life as a gay man will also bring joys and blessings.
-Jonathan
Starla J. King said,
March 15, 2010 at 8:08 pm
Wow, Jonathan… thank you *so* much for taking the time to put your thoughts/feelings into written words!
My heart goes out to you as you step into the coming out process, knowing how terrifying that can be…and I applaud you! It’s interesting, isn’t it, how we struggle so much with accepting our homosexuality… but still deep down realize we probably don’t want to be any other way. Another pretty good signal, I think, that we were indeed made this way. how cool is that!
I suspect you would really resonate with a lot of Hafiz’ poems. If you get a chance, spend some time in his book The Gift (see http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Hafiz/dp/0140195815). Even though I’ve been Out for years, I still find myself devouring the words of affirmation and savouring them time and time again.
You are on an incredible journey, Jonathan — kudos to you for having the courage to let others know your true beauty. It’s a gift to them took, you know.
gratefully,
Starla
Mary Green said,
March 15, 2010 at 10:20 pm
Jonathan, I also stumbled upon Starla’s enriching and uplifting blog and it has become a place of comfort, enlightenment and joy for me. I’m thrilled that you’ve found Starla at this time in your life. No doubt a higher power led you here.
I feel incredibly moved by your decision to be your authentic self at such a young age. May you continue to have a fulfilling and love-filled life. I will think of you as a hero. Mary
Angel said,
January 6, 2012 at 10:26 am
I just adore you.
I sincerely hope that there comes a day when I can meet you & Sandy in person. You’re both so beautiful. Such precious people.
<3
Starla J. King said,
January 6, 2012 at 11:14 am
Angel, I echo that hope, my dear. *thank you* for your warmth and open support. xo!