You knew I’d have to go there.
<hopping onto (dusty) soapbox>
“Don’t ask, don’t tell.” So much more than just a military policy issue. It’s a very human, very personal, matters-to-everyone issue.
From the outside, it might seem like the perfect way to handle the “gay issue.” (“gay” referring to gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, queer, etc.). Let them stay quiet about who they really are, and we won’t let it get in our way.
Just like the “hate the sin, love the sinner” and “you can be a gay member of our church IF you don’t actually live like you’re gay” policies of some (many?) religions. We can let you hang out with us if you don’t do anything that makes us see your “gayness.”
There’s a little problem with that. See, from the inside, that feels anything but fair, kind, loving or even human. I left the church — the place I had always relied on for life support — when I came out to myself because the underlying “don’t ask, don’t tell” vibe there kept me quiet about the one thing I needed to talk about. And sent the message that only parts of me were acceptable, good, holy.
Maybe if we start asking, the gay teen suicides will decrease. Maybe if we start asking, our churches, neighborhoods, military… our country… can have the chance to discover the incredible strength, courage, and compassion that we ALL have. Not just straight people, or just gay people. ALL of us.
I’ll let you in on a little gay secret. Sometimes all we want is to have someone ASK so we can tell. By asking, you show you see us as human, and really, what greater gift of support and healing can you give someone?? Asking doesn’t mean you agree with us, or are even comfortable with the whole gay thing. It just means you care enough to take that courageous step of human connection.
I know I don’t speak for my entire gay community, as we still struggle with our own homophobia. But I speak for me, and for many of my friends, and for the lost teenagers who didn’t get a chance to tell and saw death as their only solution.
We all have don’t ask, don’t tell issues in our lives — it’s not just a gay thing.
Please, please consider ASKING (compassionately) so someone gets a chance to tell. You could literally save a life.
Send this post to a friend
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(if you need to practice asking re: gay stuff, I’m open — ask here in comments, or feel free to email me separately).
howfactor said,
October 21, 2010 at 9:34 am
You are beautiful…inside and out. Your words are so gentle and so real…I’m glad you said it. I know your words will make a difference to many!
I’ve always had an issue with “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and I’ve always been concerned about religion that preaches about acceptance and non-judgment, yet passes judgment at every turn. Thanks for letting us understand it from your humanness
Starla J. King said,
October 21, 2010 at 7:02 pm
Howfactor, I’m honored by your response — the words you’ve used to describe this post! I’m grateful it came across as gentle and real… since it’s a fine line to write without judgment about, well, judgment.
Thank you for showing up here again!
Patti said,
October 21, 2010 at 10:36 am
This is exactly why we love you….your words are so empowering.
I have actually been blessed with situations where folks DID ask…and when they did, I answered them honestly. I have lost a friend or two because of my honesty, but then realized they weren’t the kind of friend I wanted in my life anyway. Recently, I was asked by someone who could have easily been classified as “far-right”, “christian”, “ultra-conservative”. But I feel those narrow characterizations don’t begin to describe her…I have to say that I see her as “courageous”, “unafraid”, “caring”. And because she came right out and asked me, I had the opportunity to answer (all) her questions with honesty, peacefully, and without fear or reservation. Afterall…she asked..what did I have to lose? She asked, I answered, she listened and we learned.
I am thrilled to report that she is still a “christian”, “conservative”, “far-right”, “courageous”, “unafraid”, “caring”. and most of all, my friend. And we teach each other something new about the other with practically every new and friendly conversation we have together. We are friends…we care…and that is ok with us!
So I say…Do ask…I will gladly tell…and we can be friends.
Starla J. King said,
October 21, 2010 at 7:05 pm
Patti, you make such an important point — that the chance to ask AND to tell allows us to see the “asker” as friend instead of enemy. REALLY really important!
I also love that you have the courage to “gladly tell” — took a lot of years for many of us to get to that point.
Beautifully written, btw.
Mary said,
October 21, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Yes, my dear Girl, you had to go there. Your voice on this issue is so enlightened and thought-provoking without being accusatory. I love the way you just lay it out there, the same ole situation, but with views from new angles. Thank you!
I too mourn the lives lost when youngsters don’t know how to live with the certainty that they are gay and that they cannot overcome it. Will the Church ever be able to end its rejection of homosexuals and leave the judging to God? My wildest dream is that the Church will one day acknowledge its role in the discrimination and humiliation of gay people and that it will speak FOR the inclusion of ALL people.
By the way, was anyone ever dismissed from the service for violating the “Don’t Ask” part of the legislation?
Starla J. King said,
October 21, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Mary, you are so welcome!
I believe the biggest difference we can make in opposing viewpoints is to keep telling our story, making it about a person rather than an issue. *fingers crossed* !
Fascinating question re: the don’t ask violation!
Beth said,
October 21, 2010 at 9:11 pm
Always touched by your insights, generosity and wisdom. Thank you dear one.
Starla J. King said,
October 22, 2010 at 8:43 am
Beth, it is my honor to sit on your virtual front porch and speak of life with you! xo
Lorin said,
October 22, 2010 at 12:52 am
Starla, I love this blog post. The whole issue need to be asked about! Craziness. I so believe that you are being a leader by speaking up about this issue… true leadership in the 21st century is all about transparency… asking and telling it all. Thank for posting… please know that with this human you can always ask and always tell…. it is the only way! In gratitude to you for so much.
Starla J. King said,
October 22, 2010 at 8:47 am
Lorin, one of the things I’ve always admired about you is your transparency… and that without actually stating it (before this), you made it clear to me that you will always honor asking and/or telling — about the gay stuff and other life and biz stuff. It’s a gift I’ll never tire of receiving!
I suspect you know this already, but with this human also, you can always ask and always tell. xo
Lisa Kimball said,
November 14, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Love this idea …. DO ASK DO TELL … let’s make some tee shirts and bumper stickers to make this a conversation we all like being in!
Starla J. King said,
November 14, 2010 at 5:53 pm
Lisa, FANTASTIC IDEA re: t-shirts and bumper stickers. I’ve just added that to my “must have products” list… !!!