One More Morning

February 22, 2013 at 3:56 pm (Inspiration, Mental Health, music, Spirituality, Uncategorized)
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My relationship with mornings has been tenuous for most of my life.

The tentacles of depression that release their grip in sleep tend to regain their strength in the vulnerable transitional minutes and hours of morning.

But this morning I realized things have shifted.

Our sleepy, frozen 10-block stumble to the gym was a few minutes later than usual, so the sun was rising just as we arrived for our morning torture… err… exercise.  A sunrise that stopped us in our tracks, both of us breathing a wide-eyed “WHOAaaa!”

sunrise1

Then when we entered the gym, the [omg gorgeous] owner grinned at us, pointed to the sunrise, and disappeared.  I found him on the other side of the gym sipping his coffee, quietly watching the sunrise reds and oranges grow deeper, richer, and more stunning across the entire 180° view.

“I’ve stopped training sessions for this” he said, talking to me but still focused on the sunrise.  ”I used to just glance at this, then hurry back to work.  But now I stop sessions and tell my clients, ‘Wait.  Look at this.  I don’t care if you have a problem with it, come look at this,’ because I know the best part only lasts for a few minutes.”

As my heart melted into gratitude, I realized that over the past year or so, morning and I have built an alliance:  if I take time to notice, appreciate, and spend intentional time with her, she will help me build my day on beauty instead of fear; expression instead of depression.

And just in case I didn’t get the message, my iPod served up “One More Morning” by Steve Winwood.  The lyrics speak for themselves, and the music puts me over the (good) edge, so here are both:

In the sky, light is coming
So glad we all have this day
We all want one more morning
Just to know the night won’t stay

Lift my eyes to the dawning
To see the life start again
Just to see one more morning
Just to feel it all begin

Just to have this day and life starting all over
For all it may bring
A blessing on everything
And one more song I can sing…

“for all it may bring… a blessing on everything … and one more song I can sing.”   Amen. 

9 Comments

Mobilize Love

May 18, 2010 at 8:27 pm (Mental Health, Relationship)
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“It was when life was finally in order and all the excuses for despair had been used up that depression came slinking in on its little cat feet and spoiled everything, and I felt acutely that there was no excuse for it under the circumstances.”  ( Andrew Solomon,  The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression).

The maddening thing is that depression doesn’t make sense.   I can’t explain to you why it comes, how long it will stay, how bad it will be.  Sometimes I can’t even tell you for sure if it even IS depression.

And sometimes I know it is depression but just don’t dare say it.   Because there’s no clear reason for it.  And when I say it I’m admitting that I am not in full control of my emotions and thoughts.  And that might scare you.  And you might see me as an illness instead of a person.  And you might be uncomfortable and you might not know what to do with me.

But here’s the thing.   Chances are, if my depression scares you, it scares me too.  And we’re both wondering if I’m more illness or person.  And my discomfort knows yours and I don’t have the slightest f*****g clue what to do with me either.

So you see, you’re not alone…which means then neither am I. 

Away from isolation, depression loses its grip, so today, tomorrow, the next day, and onward… all we need to do is (in the words of Andrew Solomon), MOBILIZE LOVE… together.

9 Comments

Storm Damage

March 9, 2010 at 10:02 pm (Mental Health, The Gardening Life)
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“Our plants have a lot of storm damage — can they be salvaged?”

photo by Sue Clapper

We’re starting to hear that question several times a day now as calls to our landscaping business are flooding in. The heavy damaging snow here in Northern VA has finally (mostly) melted, and many underlying plants are showing broken limbs, crushed stems, and split trunks.

The most lucrative “solution”? Declare these plants damaged beyond repair, requiring removal and replacement. Plant removal labor $$$! New plant purchases $$$! New plant installation $$$!   $$$!  $$$!

But that’s not what we’re about.  We’re about trying to heal, repair, and salvage.  Understandable, I think, as I realize anew this year my kinship to these storm-damaged plants.

This is an incredibly tough time of year for many people who suffer from depression, in any of its many forms.  (See my recent post, “We Need to Talk“).

We’ve just about made it through the long storm of winter and are facing the daunting task of assessing our emotional damage:

  • What’s broken?
  • What’s strained or bruised?
  • What’s ready to be removed? Replaced?
  • Then how do we heal? And how long will it take?

This storm damage period has become for me less about answers and more about questions. Less about the damage and more about the healing. Less about the storm itself… and more about allowing the calm after the storm.

My tears water the earth
something bigger is taking root
all i want is to feel you in my arms
all i want is to feel the calm after the storm
give me the calm after the storm
give me the calm after the storm

[lyrics by Rachel Moore-Beitler, "Calm After the Storm"]

For myself and for each and every one of you, I wish the calm after the storm.

10 Comments

We Need to Talk

February 25, 2010 at 11:40 am (Mental Health)
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Depression doesn’t want you to talk about it. 

It wants to spread its insidious power through stealth operations, sneaking around under the radar until it’s infiltrated all your positive thoughts and emotions.

So today we’re going to talk about it.  Today I refuse to hide or cower or be ashamed of this reality in my life.  

See here’s what really sucks about depression… “Depression is a condition almost unimaginable to anyone who has not known it.” (Andrew Solomon).  Yet what is most needed in those depressive times is a connection with other people… understanding… a knowing empathy.
 

“When it [depression] comes, it degrades one’s self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection.  It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself… in depression, the meaninglessness of every enterprise and every emotion, the meaningnessless of life itself, become self-evident.  The only feeling left in this loveless state is insignificance.” [Andrew Solomon, "The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression"]. 

Because of that, all of that, going on for way too long, I finally gave in to medication to help bridge the “rift between body and soul.”  10 years later I still rely on medication to preserve my ability to give and receive love, and I hate it. 

I hate that I have to take a mocking-pink pill every single morning likely for the rest of my life.  

I hate that no matter what self-care techniques I use, and no matter how much I emotionally and spiritually protect myself, I still get to mid-February and find myself in the ring with depression.

So today I’m talking about it.  

Because in talking about it, we replace fear with connection.  We take the power from depression (or ANY predominant issue) and give it back to ourselves. 

And in talking about it, we might stumble upon the silver lining.  As Solomon so perfectly states,

“I hated being depressed, but it was also in depression that I learned my own acreage, the full extent of my soul.”  And “my grasp tightens and becomes acute in moments of loss:  I can see the beauty of glass objects fully at the moment when they slip from my hand toward the floor.”

How many of us ever get the chance to learn the full extent of our souls and the incredible beauty, strength and possibility held within us? 

 So today, maybe we can all find the courage to start talking about “it” … whatever our “it” is.  I, for one, am listening.

text and photos by Starla J. King

18 Comments

Mo(u)rning

May 27, 2009 at 6:59 am (Mental Health, Uncategorized)
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I’ve been working with my dear dear life mentor/coach, Nancy (from the Big Fish Nation program) on understanding my reactions to transitions in my life. All sorts of transitions: moving from one season to the next, from one type of work to the next, from one way of Being to the next.

I tend to stumble over transitions as though they were emotional potholes, and I’m starting to create a smoother road for myself simply by noticing those potholes. Awareness is a powerful thing!

sjk1One of my biggest transition potholes is…ugh… MORNING. For as long as I can remember, I have been emotionally tossed around by morning transitions from the sacred comfort of Sleep to the wearying expectations of Awake.

While I know part of this is a residual effect of my ongoing struggle with depression (more on that some other time), I’m tired of morning emotional surfing. I’m ready to make friends with those Morning Transitions, as I suspect there’s some real Beauty in the confluence of emotion in the raw early morning times.

Of course then I turn to writing for my own understanding… and perhaps even yours as you hear my words in your own voice.

So…I wish you all a Good Morning in the deepest sense of the phrase, and offer you this:

Mo(u)rningmorning1

Don’t push me
to feel or act or think
I’ll get there
in my own time

Soon.

Let me first
marinate
in my very own quiet
Gently caressing my thoughts
into waking
Holding
each precious beat of my heart
delicately
carefully
tentatively
until I know that today
Today
the balance will tip to the blessed side of
Full…
Enough…
Extra…

so when our paths cross
and your heart is thirsty
I simply pour us each a sparking glass of
Full…morning5
Enough…
Extra…
and together
Together we drink the healing nectar of
Love.

So don’t push me
to feel or act or think
I’ll get there
in my own time

Soon.

Now.

***************
Today’s scent: Lavender Nature's Prayer

Today’s Song:  When It Don’t Come Easy (Patty Griffin)

***************

6 Comments

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