Shameless

June – Gay Pride Month — has come and gone, but that doesn’t mean that we have to stop celebrating ourselves… whether we’re gay, straight, or somewhere inbetween.

First, some background info from Wikipedia:  

Gay pride is the concept that lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people should be proud of their sexual orientation and gender identity. 

The movement has three main premises:

  1. That people should be proud of their sexual orientation and gender identity
  2. That diversity is a gift
  3. That sexual orientation and gender identity are inherent and cannot be intentionally altered

We typically think of the Pride ”movement” as exclusive to LGBT people, but what if instead we ALL (gay, straight, somewhere inbetween) embrace those three premises? 

Wikipedia goes on to say (emphasis added by me):

 The word pride is used in this case as an antonym for shame, which has been used to control and oppress LGBT persons throughout history. Pride in this sense is an affirmation of ones self and the community as a whole.

What if we each took some part of ourselves that we’re ashamed of and worked at ways to be proud of that part? 

For me, after being out for 20 years, I’m no longer ashamed of my sexual orientation (three cheers to that!), but I sure am still ashamed of the emotional “weaknesses” that come along with a brain wired for depression:  

  • The daily anti-depressant. 
  • The constant need to protect my mental and emotional energy stores. 
  • The effect all of this has at times on those close to me.

Proud of that?!?  Hmmm.  I guess it would go something like this:

  • I’m proud of not having missed a day of taking my happy pills in over 14 (???) years!
  • I’m proud of being loyal first and foremost to my own mental health!
  • I’m proud of the access I have to a depth of emotion that some people never experience!
  • I’m proud!

Wow, that was uncomfortable.  But there it is, in black and white for me to remember.  For me to try to get used to.  For me to embrace.

Ok, so I showed you mine…  who’s next??    I’m proud of you already…

What’s in Your Well?

I suspect my internal well looks something like the oil spill off the coast of the Gulf of Mexico.

We so often hear talk about our “well” going dry, but what about our well getting clogged up with emotional oil spills and daily life garbage of all sorts?

My well has gotten to the point that I’m afraid to raise the bucket and look at the sludge in there.  But if I don’t take steps to empty the gunk in there, it’s gonna overflow and create an even bigger mess. 

Ok, so how to dredge up the detritus to clear it out? 

Writing.  Julia Cameron swears by (or for my Mennonite peeps, “affirms”) “morning pages” — 3 handwritten free-flow pages of anything and everything that’s on your mind.  No internal censor.  No right or wrong.  No good or bad.  Just writing, getting it all out, a word purge if you will. 

Meditation.  Don’t panic — you don’t need to change your religion or spiritual beliefs.  Meditation can be as simple as 10 minutes of quiet time alone just listening to and feeling your breathing.  When you really pay attention, each breath can empty a bucket of gunk out of your soul.  Skeptical?  Then try it. 

Exercise.  Ok, I admit — as a landscaper, exercise sometimes becomes part of the yuck in my well since I’m physcially active most days a week for more hours than I care to think of.  So for me, this one becomes REST.  Time to let my muscles heal, my physical energy rebuild.

Visualization.  Mind pictures.  Seeing myself hauling up that heavy bucket of bleah and emptying it.  Over and over until it comes up empty. Then feeling soul sunshine as I picture rinsing out the bucket and the well… spotless…shiny…enticing!

So now there’s a well to fill.  Now it’s all about the good stuff, the life-giving stuff.  Like 

Word snacks:

Ink runs from the corners of my mouth.
There is no happiness like mine.
I have been eating poetry.
(from Word Poetry by Mark Strand).

Tweets (or *any*thing!) from Martha Beck (@MarthaBeck):

“My email inbox is the Aegean Stables of interpersonal data. Hmm…what rivers can I divert to clean it out?”

“I’ve really got to learn French now. Be right back…okay, French is hard. This may take a while.”

Rumi.  ’nuff said.

And if there’s any room left after a buffet of word snacks, add in some flowers, plants, greenery.  And conversations with friends.  And sessions with your life coach (look out, Nancy!).  And whatever else it is that makes you sing — literally or figuratively.

We each have the power to contain our own emotional oil spills… what will *your* tactic be??

Storm Damage

“Our plants have a lot of storm damage — can they be salvaged?”

photo by Sue Clapper

We’re starting to hear that question several times a day now as calls to our landscaping business are flooding in. The heavy damaging snow here in Northern VA has finally (mostly) melted, and many underlying plants are showing broken limbs, crushed stems, and split trunks.

The most lucrative “solution”? Declare these plants damaged beyond repair, requiring removal and replacement. Plant removal labor $$$! New plant purchases $$$! New plant installation $$$!   $$$$$$!

But that’s not what we’re about.  We’re about trying to heal, repair, and salvage.  Understandable, I think, as I realize anew this year my kinship to these storm-damaged plants.

This is an incredibly tough time of year for many people who suffer from depression, in any of its many forms.  (See my recent post, “We Need to Talk“).

We’ve just about made it through the long storm of winter and are facing the daunting task of assessing our emotional damage:

  • What’s broken?
  • What’s strained or bruised?
  • What’s ready to be removed? Replaced?
  • Then how do we heal? And how long will it take?

This storm damage period has become for me less about answers and more about questions. Less about the damage and more about the healing. Less about the storm itself… and more about allowing the calm after the storm.

My tears water the earth
something bigger is taking root
all i want is to feel you in my arms
all i want is to feel the calm after the storm
give me the calm after the storm
give me the calm after the storm

[lyrics by Rachel Moore-Beitler, "Calm After the Storm"]

For myself and for each and every one of you, I wish the calm after the storm.

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