One touch

I’ve been thinking a lot about Trainer recently…

Usually, I admit, it’s thinking “oh thank God she’s not here!” when I’m at the gym and stop a couple lunges before the workout makes me cry.  But aside from that, I’ve been thinking about her touch.  No, no, not like THAT… for heaven’s sake, let me explain.

Ok, so I’d be doing squat #9,228, for example, and oddly enough, my form would waver ever so slightly.  Or rep #17,581 with that shoulder squeezy torture thing.  Or the 4 millionth (no of course I’m not exaggerating) bench press with pray-to-the-gods-this-doesn’t-paralyze-me-for-life-heavy weights.

Just as my mind would leave the building to try to find its happy place, I’d feel Trainer’s touch — the barest pressure of a fingertip placed in the absolute center of my shoulder blades, or breastbone, or ab “muscle” (still working on that) … with the instruction to “squeeze HERE,”  or “start from HERE” or just silence as my body would automatically adjust a micro-fraction to the perfect alignment for the exercise.

That one tiny touch helped keep me from injury.

That one tiny touch helped strengthen me in all the right places.

And that one tiny touch showed me that Trainer was paying exquisite attention, totally engaged, and absolutely part of my every movement (not to mention how ridiculously experienced, skilled, and effective she is as a trainer, my God!).

The smallest signs of support can change everything.

Like my photographer friend this morning who out of the blue said “If you have [gay] friends journeying to MD next year to tie the knot, please, please, please send them my way.  I would be so honored to take part in that!”  (see her work here — freakin’ amazing!).

Like my wife putting her (cold) toe on my foot while we read in bed together at the close of the day.

Like gently holding your elderly mother’s elbow as you pace yourself to match her Parkinson-ravaged shuffle to the dining table.

Like asking “how are you?” and sticking around long enough to listen…fully… to the answer.

Like the kitty paw (oh come on, you knew I had to go there) that skootches up to rest against my hand as I type this post.

“There is some kiss we want with our whole lives,
the touch of spirit on the body.”
~ Rumi

May we each experience the profound power of that one tiny touch today.

It’s about the Love

Baby love … borrowed :)

It’s not about the differences in each other that we don’t understand.

It’s not about Chick-Fil-A … and gay or straight or both or neither.

It’s not about my right and your wrong.

It’s not about dogma …or catma.

It’s not about My God vs. Your God … or No God.

It’s not about fear or hate or better or worse

No…

It’s about the Love … in anything… and everything.

Love is the soul’s light, the taste of morning … ~Rumi

Each day, I want to wake up and taste the morning.   And make it be about the Love.

Take your intellect out

If you want to
expound on love, take your intellect out and let it
lie down in the mud.  It’s no help.”
- Rumi

Remove your intellect and what’s left is feeling — pure, rich, raw, glorious, frightening, heavenly feeling. 

Feeling of …

…the moment when you finally let go of an anguish you’ve held for days, months, even years.

…the moment you hear the song that finds the sun inside you and shows it to your entire being.

…the moment you stop fighting, give up the struggle, and surrender into peace.

…the moments of pure wordless soul-connection with a loved one when you both know their time on earth is almost over.

…the moment you use fear as a stepping stool to your dreams and realize your true potential is greater than even your boldest imagination.

…the moment you notice the morning sunrise with your heart instead of your mind.

…the moment you see your heart shimmering in anothers’ eyes.

…the moment you experience a beauty so intense that it burns your eyes with tears.

…the moment you find yourself empathizing with a shivering leaf on a cold winter day.

…the moment you lose your words and all that’s left is

shhhhhh …..

                           *silence*

Take the intellect out of Love, and it gives us Life.  Dare to Love…Dare to Live.

Fierce Courtesy

early spring grassIt still stings.

Even after all these years, it catches me off guard like stepping on a wasp in the soft green grass of springtime.

Reading those stealth-bomber words in an email:  It was so good to see you again! But I was also overcome with sadness to see the path that you have taken. It is not God’s way!

I know you’re just living your faith.  I know you’re speaking what you truly genuinely believe to be God’s words.  And I really honor you for that. 

But don’t be sad for me, and don’t tell me my life is not God’s way just because you’ve realized my life partner is a woman. 

What you haven’t looked for is my story.  The story that  tells you that I tried to take that other path — the one of self-rejection and self-denial.  The story that tells you that my self-rejection couldn’t be separated from  God-rejection.  The story that tells you that path (the one you believe is Right for me) broke my spirit and left me sitting so far away from Love that I couldn’t find God.

So don’t be sad for me, because the path that I have taken is the only one that allows me to Love.  In the truest, most spiritual sense of the word.

And it’s in how we Love  that we show the heart of soul of God.  

Fierce Courtesy

The connection to the Friend
is secret and very fragile.

The image of that friendship
is in how you love, the grace

and delicacy, the subtle talking
together, in full prostration,

outside of time. When you’re
there, remember the fierce

courtesy of the one with you.
- Rumi

God has many faces.  Love wears them all.

Soul snack

Food for Thought

But don’t be satisfied with stories, how things
have gone with others. Unfold
your own myth, without complicated explanation,
so everyone will understand the passage
We have opened you.

-Rumi

What is your own myth?


(photo by Starla J King)

Anatomy of Love: Where can we meet?

They clipped my wings today
and asked me why I didn’t fly
I tried to explain to them
Part won’t work,
I need the Whole
and they told me
But you still have wings
why don’t you fly?

I don’t blame them, really, for clipping my wings by standing firm to their conviction that I am living against God’s will, that Heaven won’t welcome me.   “Them” being those who open their arms to me – but only if I don’t do anything about being a Lesbian… like, well, being one. 

They’re just living what they believe — how can I truly fault them for that?  

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.  Or sometimes make me angry.  And usually make me sad.

When I “came out” in my twenties ,  I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to be seen as a “sinner.”   I grew up in a Mennonite household, went to a Mennonite high school and college, was regularly (and willingly!!) involved in Bible Study, Chapel participation/leadership, Devotional groups,  church choir, etc. etc.   I was known as a good Christian girl. 

Until I came out.   

Suddenly my lifelong relationship with God was questioned and my welcome in the Church was revoked.  The organization that purports to be built upon the very essence of unconditional love suddenly stuck the word “IF” into their love.  

Even though in accepting myself as a Lesbian I re-found deep Joy out of a deep depression… the kind of Joy that starts in the soul and radiates through everything.

Even though embracing the nature of my Love has opened me up to the most richly spiritual life I could ever imagine.

So how do we all wade through this together without having to change each others’ viewpoints?   Maybe this is not the place for words, but instead the place beyond words. 

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field.  I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn’t make any sense.”
- Rumi

Today, even if only for a few minutes, let’s meet in that field and just Be together.  Beloved human being to beloved human being.  Today let it be about that place beyond rightdoing and wrongdoing.  

When you’re ready, I’ll meet you there.

*******************************************
text and photos by Starla J. King

(Note: this entry is the third in the “Anatomy of Love” blog series – a personal look at the experience of a Lesbian Mennonite navigating the unpredictable waters of non-traditional faith and love)

Small findings

“Wherever we go now, we do small findings, to make sure nothing goes unnoticed, or gets left behind.”  [- Coleman Barks in an introduction to his translation of a set of Rumi poems]

small findings” — I love that phrase!  

There’s anticipation energy there, the thrill of a search that just might bring an exciting discovery, a “find”!  And just about the time you start pooh-poohing the whole discovery concept because you’re envisioning huge archaeological digs and sunken ships, the word “small” shows up. 

zinnia1

Small finding: Inner Zinnia stars

Small = attainable.  Small = manageable.  And sadly, small often = unnoticed.

What if we each add “small findings” to our daily To Do lists?  Just those two words, important enough to get their own line item on the all-important To Do list — wouldn’t that change our day??

dew_diamond

Small finding: dewdrop on grass blade

Maybe then instead of looking glumly at a rainy day, we’d be caught up in the wonder of a single raindrop sliding off a glossy leaf outside our window.

Maybe then instead of packing our days so full we can barely breathe, we’d make space for a little playtime… and writing time… and time to connect with ourselves, our friends and nature — all potential goldmines of “small findings.” 

So today, tomorrow – EVERY day — let’s stay open to those “small findings” — lest something (or someone!) goes unnoticed or gets left behind.

transition

Small finding: dewey leaf in grass

(all photos by Starla J. King of Signature Gardenscapes, LLC)

In Memory of…

AngelaThis blog post is in memory of my sister Angela Joy King, who died at age 39 after years of living voraciously with bipolar disorder/ manic-depression (and I think some schizophrenia mixed in there?).  She would have been 48 years old today — her birthday. 

How fitting that just now even though half the sky is still light, the wind just started howling and we’re getting the first real rain storm in over a month  — huge downpour.  Hi Angela!   In fact, the sky just got brighter…and the rain harder…

When I wrote this poem several years ago,  it was more about fear than about inspiration.  For years I had watched Angela step in and out of her mind and it terrified me.  But it also awed me with how courageously she lived, daily on the brink of (in)sanity:

(in)sanity*

Rumi
speaks my soul I just know it
though understanding is a stretch
It’s more a sense a knowing
the intensity of intermingled passions
tumbling fumbling over each other
sometimes beautiful other times bordering on
too intense for sane but
Reading him
I don’t care how it sounds or reads
just how it feels
The rare gift curse of unfiltered emotion
sometimes too bright too muddy
but to whom
to humans maybe but not Godde
this is the me I want to share but fear
Stops
me in my tracks whispering Angela
how close am I to that so far but
really how do I know
Always afraid the underside of intense is
insane
on the bridge between silence and words tumbling
I falter and decide to just
wait

Today, however, I gratefully realize that I no longer “just…wait” — somehow this year it’s more about the inspiration than the fear.   More about the need to talk openly about the REAL topics, the ones we tend to whisper about in small groups in the dark.  

Like what it means to be gay.   Or marginalized in any of a variety of ways.

Or what it means to be spiritual but not religious. 

Or today, for Angela, what it means to be depressed, or manic-depressive or any form of mentally ill. 

And for the families and friends who try to figure out how to handle that part of their loved one amidst their own sometimes paralyzing fears.  

Angela had no choice but to live to the highest highs and the lowest lows, and that she survived those those whiplash extremes as long as she did still baffles me.   

So today, Angela, I thank you and love you for everything you were and are.  And I celebrate you!  A whole huge family size bag of Hershey’s kisses for you… but don’t eat them all at once, remember???!?? :)

(and the rain just stopped and the sun is shining.  I kid you not!)

*poem originally published in DreamSeeker Magazine, Winter 2005 issue

Muse-ings

Who is my muse? “Well, your wife of course,” you answer. True, yes, she is one of my muses, but chances are you probably are too. What?!? Let me explain.

I’ve always considered muses to be just something for old-timey poets and painters, or a subject only real for the Greek Gods of yesteryear. Until recently…

The other day I was flipping through my well-worn copy of The Essential Rumi (aka Jelaluddin Balkhi, mystic poet, 1207-1273), and read again the intro section summarizing Rumi’s life.

rumi1

Apparently Rumi led a fairly typical life as a religious scholar…. until he met a stranger (Shams of Tabriz… gotta love those names) whose company was the catalyst for Rumi’s transformation into a “mystical artist.”fire

Their souls combined, they merged, they had a complete spiritual union. Physical union? I have no idea, but I don’t think that much matters either way. What does matter is the powerful effect this person had on Rumi.

Reading further, I realized that after Shams died (ach, my heart!!), Rumi still needed someone to write his poems to… so Saladin becomes part of the Rumi writing picture. Then after Saladin dies, there’s someone else – Husam.

I was intrigued (surprised?) to realize that Rumi, to me one of the most amazing poets ever, always had someone to inspire his writing. I guess I had this notion that those Great Artists were self-contained capsules of intrinsic artistic inspiration, but really, they were apparently also human (imagine that!), needing something outside themselves to stir what was within.

iris1So….. if Rumi became so richly creatively mystically inspired through outside sources of inspiration fueling his artistic fire, is it possible that we too can tap into our greater artistic, creative selves simply through connecting more presently to what is around us? By letting everything potentially be our Muse?

I think about the times I’ve felt most creative, and those are the times I feel the most alive, most energetic, most hopeful, most centered, most loving. The times I am most present to myself and those around me. And usually I can link those times to a specific connection with someone or something that stirred me – my Muse for that moment. Important enough to warrant a capital “M.”

Yes, my Muse has been in the form of a lover (as one would expect), but often in a less conventional form…

Like the friend who unexpectedly shares her writing with me and I see new beauty in her and her words.  crayolas1

Or the butterfly that flits onto the flower I just planted in a client’s garden. 

Or the friend of a friend who wants to know when I post blog updates.

Or someone’s posting on my Facebook wall that makes me laugh out loud.

gitter_sleepingOr my sweet cat Gitter dragging a toy down two flights of stairs, dropping it at my feet with a gentle “mrreep” to get my attention while I’m working at the computer.

Or the manager at Panera who just gave me a free cup of coffee for no apparent reason.

Or you, because you are reading this post.  Thank you! 

Take the time today to notice your Muses… all of them … and appreciate them.

“enough books” ?? NEVER!!!

books1

I’m sitting in the “yellow room” (my sacred space room, painted butternut squash color…but used to be  yellow so the label stuck), surrounded by books.  I’m pretty sure that my heaven, whatever that place/state of being turns out to be, will have a gazillion books.   Words feed me.

Sandy, a one-book-at-a-time chick, pokes fun at my stack of partially-read books.  But there’s a different book for every need!   Here’s what I’ve got going on right now… yes, all at the same time:

  • The Essential Rumi (Translations by Coleman Barks with John Moyne):  opened face down in front of me right now on the ottoman.   Lately I keep this open so the whole “Rumi essence” can escape.  Kinda like those  air fresheners that automatically release a little puff of fresh scent every few minutes.   Rumi rocks my world!
  •  A Natural History of the Senses (Diane Ackerman):  One of my dear friend Jo’s fave books, so I bought it.   EXCELLENT DECISION! This book is such a feast for the senses that I can only read it in small doses without feeling gluttonous.  Phenomenal writing, almost magical reading experience.  Thanks, Jo!
  • The Art Spirit (Robert Henri):  How is it possible that I resonate so strongly with someone writing in 1923??  The art spirit is timeless, connecting us across generations, civilizations.
  •  You Can Heal Your Life (Louise Hay): Sent this book to my niece and opened it again for myself as a refresher.  The title always makes me cringe, but I have to admit this book has gotten me through some pretty intense self-doubting times over the years.
  • Younger Next Year for Women (Chris Crowley & Henry S. Lodge):  My sis-in-law gave this to me for my 40th birthday.  Fantastic book for setting yourself up to age gracefully and strongly.  Thank you Joan!
  • Gardens: An Essay on the Human Condition (Roert Pogue Harrison):  Haven’t started this one yet, but keep it front & center to let the anticipation build.  I suspect this will be a perfect intellectual companion to my garden design work.
  • From Entrepreneur to Big Fish: 7 Principles of Wild Success (Lorin Beller Blake):  Fantastic read from the Founder of the Big Fish Nation (http://www.bigfishnation.com).  I’m in the Big Fish full-year program now, but read this book before stepping in.  Not just your average business book — more of a life manual that translates beautifully into business success.  Thanks for letting this book write itself through you, Lorin!
  • Taming Your Gremlin (Rick Carson):  Boy, do i have some serious gremlins to tame!  Love the way this book helps you learn to observe your own “stuff” without judgment.  Out damn gremlins, OUT!  Nancy, thank you!
  • Blink (Malcolm Gladwell):  Fascinating read about making split-second decisions.  Thanks Patti, for buying this for me when I was on a spending moratorium!
  • And then, of course, the bedtime reading mind candy: Prep (Curtis Sittenfeld).

Of course there will always be more… so I’ll have more book updates from time to time.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 441 other followers

%d bloggers like this: